10/27/2020
Why I may not go back? Because I feel like I am not grounded anywhere; and I fear that I do not know where I belong and so I keep on wandering – detaching myself from places I do not recognize. Have I thought of planting my roots somewhere, someday? For now, perhaps not. I am loving the idea of being in different places at once, of connecting with people hundred of miles way, of building relationships not because of obligation but because of thought.
This is one of the notes I wrote in an application in my phone to remember my thoughts on special days in order for me to ponder on them once again. In my vague memory I wrote this after having a long conversation with my flatmate in the kitchen. He loves asking me questions; and I love pondering upon thoughts that I myself find hard to articulate.
This day he asked me about my plans of the future. And I answered that I do not know; but one thing I am certain of is that I do not want to go back where I came from. I added that I have been moving too much these past few years and I want to explore more, be in more places. But in return my identity has been in disarray, I do not know where my ‘home’ is, I cannot keep my feet on one ground and I feel like I am not grounded anywhere.
It is also possible that I wrote this note not after this conversation but after an online conversation with a childhood friend who asked me the same things after getting shocked that I am in another country ‘again’. Sometimes I have these kinds of conversations and it makes me enter in a realm of my mind that I kept on ignoring.
Right now I am living a life of constant transition. In the midst of a pandemic, I am compelled to travel from one place to another every 6 months or so to carry out my duties as a student. In October 2020 I thought this life should be fun, because I have lived my life without attachments thus far. Leaving a place did not bother as much because I knew I have lived it and that perhaps I can go back if only I want to.
In February 2021, I realized I wanted to be in some place. I found a home in a heart that might have also been in transition. Never have I thought that a twist in this story was possible to happen. I acted cool, keeping my walls up as usual. But one day I decided to tear them down slowly and I am glad I did.
This thought was supposedly about how firm my thoughts were about not belonging, about being in transition, about constantly being on the move. It turned out that the unexpected truly does happen. Now more than ever, I am unsure of what is to happen. My decisions do not only belong to me and tougher decisions are yet to be made.
As to whether I am coming back, it is a yes and a no. This time I want to go back to this new home, but with the original answer with the original place in mind, the answer remains still.
2021 02 10
Little Dipper 